Onecrazydove's Blog

goddddddddd i just want someone to tell me they totally agree with me not going to school tomorrow i wish i weighed 105 pounds again i'm going to drink some juice & go to bed

today we went to the apple orchard. i was thinking about being crazy a lot of the time. we drank too much apple cider and the sky was blue and i stuffed apples into my coat and remembered that it was only a few years ago, i am only a few years from that girl i used to be- all open eyed & hearted, all eager, all truth and bone- before the pills and the buildings. before the shadows hung so long above me they changed the climate. i was looking at the stars on the way inside & thought i was just like them. a city star. coated by somekind of pollution i can't be bright enough. but the fire is there. also i came out of the doctor's office and saw an add for a parking ramp which read, "we've always got a spot for you." and i thought: why does the world refuse to act that way? why can't we always have a spot? i got off work tonight & caught the bus home. a woman and her two young children had been waiting at the bus stop in the cold autumn air for an hour. it was after 8pm. why cant there always be a spot for them? still debate about suicide and throw up my hands. tired of thinking about it, tired of feeling like i'm fucking up & not following whatever divine path i'm supposed to be following. i dont think crazy people get to fall in love. nothing seems more horrible- having this bpd bullshit isn't enough, we have to inevitably isolate ourselves as well? oh, & lol i told my mother who replied, "well you dont really have to take the doctor's word for it." of course not. i mean it's certainly not why i go to the doctor. i think though that she's just worried i'm going to launch an attack on her. sheesh. how could i attack someone i spent 20 years trying to take care of? since this is the first one i've written.. THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1.this is t.m.i. for the dangerous internet! 2.trt 3.amelia jane THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1.small/can hide/fit in cubbies 2.genetically inclined to funny faces 3.no cavities! THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1.insane 2.self-absorbed 3. insane THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1.my dad and his "race car" 2.the real world 3.love not being real THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1.cigarettes 2.coffee with 2% milk 3.a good pen THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1.baby barrettes 2. jeans 3.spilled apple cider THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS: 1. yeah yeah yeahs 2.the heartless bastards 3.cat power? it's always hard to pick the last one.. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: 1.reflections-by atmosphere 2. naked as we came-by iron & wine 3. anything by harvey danger THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1.fucking FINISH my 2 year degree 2.stay somewhat stable/stop wondering why i'm not dead yet 3.get a new bicycle!! take better care of it!! THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: 1.honesty 2.great appreciation for silliness/silly times 3.warm blankets/cocoa/kissing TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE: 1.my dad is getting divorced! 2. my typewriter's level of ink is fine 3.i'm making applecrisp tomorrow THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE (OR SAME) SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1.hands/forearms 2.a good mouth 3.accents THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN’T DO: 1.comb my hair 2.catch the bus on time 3.lie to my theatre teacher THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1.wearing absurd outfits 2.cooking!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3.singing to my favorite people THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW: 1.sleep 2. finish the book i'm reading 3.flick off a certain someone THREE CAREERS YOU ARE CONSIDERING: 1.writer 2. one of those "interesting" teachers 3.let's not get ahead of ourselves THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1.chicago 2.island 3.mexico again, again always THREE KID’S NAMES: 1. i want a dog 2. 3. THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1.publish at least one book 2.steal more candy 3.stay happy for more than 3 weeks, consecutively